Loyalty

Staying because the reward of staying is staying

“Stay Married for Life” campaign.

This campaign was started by a relationship and family counselling organisation to keep married people together as long as possible (as long as possible because of the wild divorce rate today). Dan Seaborn, the founder of the Zeeland-based group Winning At Home Inc., said, “We hope that people will make that commitment upfront because we know if they push through the lean years, where there’s more strife than happiness, the hard work will pay off.”

The campaign stemmed from a study by Paul Amato, an emeritus professor of family sociology and demography. It emphasized that the longer couples stay in their marriage, the happier and livelier it becomes.

at the point where the relationship is tested, those who came for the goodies back out, and those who went for the reason of being there advance.

Futher studies¹ has shown that:

1. the average divorce age is 30 years (i.e. people barely make it past the 5-7 year mark)

2. and 75% of divorces are due to lack of commintment. Financial issues and physical assualts seats in the bottom three on the list of common reasons for divorce.

   interestingly, india has the lowest recorded divorce rate globally, for example, in 2021 they recorded only about 108 divorces in over 600 million marriages.

Why all this divorce talk, by the way?

Isn’t it obvious that loyalty in our relationships is a big issue? If we can’t maintain the most intimate form of human relationship (between acclaimed life partners), how much more can we put up with every other person?

The concern worsens because unlike marriages, where leaving is obvious and can easily be declared with words and actions. We go through silent, unannounced and unrealized divorces in other relationships with friends, families, colleagues, and most importantly God seeing that there is no case for a court hearing or legal witness. Little wonder why there is a growing rate of loneliness in a world of rising population. Many people are leaving the social grid unknowingly, and why not? There are no documents to sign. And very few people are interested in having those ‘intense conversations.’

On a community level, we gather regularly for religious or cultural communion, but it's just an act now. The initial feeling of belonging is stale and it's just a monotonous routine. In body but out of body. And every social or spiritual outing is as rote as a 9-5 worker’s morning, the activity just plays out, and we just want to get it over with. But it never always starts that way, there was a promise and an attached reward that drew our attention and even prompted the stay. But the moment it stopped giving, we saw seemingly better options. When getting used to the reward, we get bored with the routine of engagement this results in a blindness to the value of the community so little value is derived from it.

Staying married for life is more than an admonition to newlyweds, it is to everyone. It is a challenge to see a basic but transcendent reason to stick to relationships beyond the initial selfish desire that was unconsciously nurtured when getting into it. Beyond the necessary but unimportant ‘spec list or checklist.’ According to the image above, newlyweds (or any group of people who form a defined relationship) experience a dopamine hit of happiness when they jump the traditional broom. There is so much excitement and thus increased energy because the main reason why people want a partner is for the romance, and some specifics like material benefits, show off, the potential they see in the person, and so on. While most of these may not be wrong reasons, they are first selfish. And because it is born out of selfish desires, the depth of commitment is shallow. We have used all the vigour needed to stay through tougher times to satisfy gratification.

Many marriages even start because of loneliness, so you feel alive for a couple of years (most times months), you get used to the person’s company and you start looking for someone new because many people believe that being alone means loneliness. So just for the selfish gain of easing out their loneliness, they run into relationships unprepared and misinformed and then they are surprised to see it get boring. Even worse, disagreements and uncomfortable discussions set in, thus the divorces.

So we see how people can act like they belong to a group, are interested in a community, and are engaged in a discussion but in reality, they are either motivated by a selfish benefit or going through the motions because they can’t have it any other way (which is technically a selfish benefit). The sad part is that most people can’t see past the smoke screen of inauthenticity. So it gets worse, where many people are officially in a relationship but they aren’t in it. Their heart has long left it.

On the subject of being together yet far away, God, the one who can see all our motives and intents, had this to say about human disloyalty:

The sovereign master says, "These people say they are loyal to me; they say wonderful things about me, but they are not really loyal to me. Their worship consists of nothing but man-made rituals. Isaiah 29:13 NET Bible

To be more detailed some versions say, these people draw close to me with their mouths but their hearts are far away from me. And so all they do are methods, religion (Christianese) that they have simply memorized from the lips of men and crammed from Sunday notes of man’s wisdom they never regarded the meaning or the value in it.

This lack of commitment stems from the fact that, like most failed relationships, at least one partner was in it for one selfish reason, and the moment things weren’t going as planned, they became disinterested in the relationship. They are mostly never interested in a partner. And that partner if spiritual, can never be God. God never changes. His compassion literally never fails, imagine being ever compassionate. He is love. Think about how many times you’ve messed up and yet, you wake up the following day healthy or better you even get an unusual favour or miracle. He is more stable and reliable than the sun is to the solar system (because of eclipses, lol)

This begs the question what then is the goal of staying in a relationship with God, why should you happily stick through the seemingly boring times, the trying times, the happy and sad times? why?

Because staying, according to God’s plan, was never a means to an end, it was always the end. The goal. The intent. The purpose of the relationship was and is to be in the relationship.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Matthew 5:6 New King James Version (NKJV)

Can you imagine that? blessed are you when you hunger and thirst after righteousness, a relationship with God, and a yearning for Him and his will. What do you get riches, happiness, and success? Nah, a relationship with God, a deeper one. Some think the reward of seeking God is miracles, signs and wonders. As important as they are, they are a side dish to the assurance of His presence.

And you will seek Me and find Me… Jeremiah 29:13 New King James Version (NKJV)

So when you choose to seek God, God should be the goal. His will, His plans, His righteousness.

Don’t be quick to jump ship. I have been a victim of these thoughts in my few years of being a believer, to lose interest in this God thing because it wasn’t as rosy when it started. Thank God for my vibrant church community and the Christian materials I could feed on. More than ever, I had to think of God’s faithfulness and goodness despite my unfaithfulness. I began to understand why I can never do without Him and must remain in it for the sake of being in it, not for the benefits. The truth is that the benefits will always come. God said:

I have not spoken in secret, In a corner of a land of darkness; I did not say to the descendants of Jacob, ‘Seek Me in vain [with no benefit for yourselves].’ I, the LORD, speak righteousness [the truth—trustworthy, a straightforward correlation between deeds and words], Declaring things that are upright. Isaiah 45:19 Amplified Bible (AMP)

However, seek me because you want me. Let your problems bring you to God, but don’t think that your problems or the solution thereof would ultimately keep you in God. Come genuinely. Honestly, it doesn’t always feel romantic, that relationship, but we must understand that it is by faith and not by feelings. By truth and not by opinions.

Faith and truth stand the test of time but feelings and opinions could change and so will our loyalty to God when things get tough.

We are being taught not to seek Christ for the bread that he gives but for the bread that he is. This is not a motivational call to mental toughness, but ultimately to realize that God is ever faithful. And He has given us His Spirit to guide us into the fullness of that truth and help us live it out boldly.

For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 The Passion Translation (TPT)

So when we stay through the relationship, choosing God for who he is, like Job no matter what comes our way, we won’t fail to realize God’s faithfulness. Jobs’ case as pathetic as it sounds may not have gotten to that extent if not for fear. He said

For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me, And what I dreaded has happened to me. Job 3:25 New King James Version (NKJV)

So we can see that even though God gave the devil permission to his life, Job gave the devil access. Fear was the foothold for the devil to gain entrance. A great man of God said that all of man’s problems and demons are waiting at the door of a believer’s life hoping that one day fear would let them in(paraphrased).

So God is ever loyal!

Since God assured us, “I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,”Hebrews 13:5-6 The Message (MSG)

We can rest in the fact as long as we stick through it, He’ll be there with us.

Stay in the relationship, be committed to it!

What makes the relationship thrive and flourish, learn about it and work towards it!

When it’s a bright and sunny day, bask in it. When it’s a dark and gloomy one, stick closer to your partner!

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1. Divorce stats